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Natasha Teevens' Journal
Below are the 25 most recent journal entries.
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2010.04.10 01.43
last words, to first
I wrote this my freshman year of high school in a poetry book that a friend and I wrote in. Iread it today when going through some old journals. This was not the only poem I wrote about loosing my mom. It's kind of weird. April 29th, 2001,I wrote it almost 9 years before she died and it's not exactly the same as what happened but some of it holds true... I sat beside the bedside not knowing what to say. There she lies in a coma just barely alive. I lay my flowers on her chest and pray to God that he does not take her. Maybe she is ready but nay am I. I watch her there barely breathing and realize how much I need her. She was always there for me but rarely me for her. I know I've got to say something but instead what comes out is chokes and tears. I cry upon her chest as I have many times but this time is different because I know there won't be a response. I take her hand in mine and I know just what to do. "Mama" I say "I just want you to know I appreciate and lov eyou very much.Although I don't want you to go I will survive cause I am strong.". Nothing did I expect but something did I get for in response my mama d said "I love you" those were the last words my mama did say. Although she's gone a peace has come for the mournin day did come and the preacher too did come for to comfort and to say my mama's happy in the place where she is. Somehow I knew for a someday my mama am I gonna see, the first thing I'm gonna say is "I love you too,mama".
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Mood: sorrowful
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2010.03.07 19.13
mom
it's so hard to believe my mom is gone. just a few months ago i took her to the Salvation Army and we were shopping together for a couple of hours. I was trying on clothes and she was telling me why she liked them or didn't like them. I'm wearing one of the shirts i bought that day...A large part of me feels kind of void right now. When people ask me how i'm doing i say "i'm hanging in there" which is true to some degree. One thing i wished i'd mentioned at the memorial yesterday was how giving our mother was...sometimes almost overgiving ;) every time we went over she was giving us stuff (and then later we would make a goodwill run because we didn't want to tell her we didn't like what she was giving us...you'd understand if you were there). She would often give little kids things from her garage sale and other people she hardly knew. She had a wonderful heart. Though i'm glad i got laughs when i told about how she dressed me up in a monk outfit on a sunday haloween day and we went to a conservative baptist church at the time.
It seems like it all happened so fast and yet at the time it seemed like she wasn't passing fast enough for all the pain she was going through. I know i'm not supposed to feel guilty about stuff and people have told me I shouldn't feel guilty, but it happens anyways. I wish i'd spent more time with her. I wish i'd made time to make christmas ornaments with her when she'd called me and asked me to this last year or when she offered to come over and help clean the house, but i was to afraid of having her come over and drop stuff off or go on a rant at me.
Last night after the memorial i hung out with my sister's brother in-laws mother and father in law (who's house the memorial was at)and I found out that they are interested in the same hobby as me (hiking and photography). Phil showed me several of his pictures and gave me some tips on different things so hopefully I'll be able to go on some trips with them. They said they go hiking almost every week. I wish I'd gotten to know this amazing couple earlier, but i've always thought of them more of my siblings friends...They have been so amazing through this whole process i.e. bringing food over to my moms house while we were staying there and hosting our memorial service.
Mom's friend Beth came over to me before she left from the memorial and whispered in my ear that even though my mom's gone and she knows she can't replace her she'd be there for me and would help me out however she could. it was really sweet and meant a lot to me. I'm glad my mom's in a better place now but i miss her dearly. I love my mommy and always will...
Mood:  sad
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2009.09.12 02.05
I am on my break at work. I don't feel wellm I feel a bit dizzy. My stomach and back hurts also. If it gets much worst I may leave work early.
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2009.09.03 08.59
Today was a busy day. I got my hair cut, picked up medicine for tim, cleaned up the house, put up some decorations, made mashed potatos, steak, and corn. We had the pastor and his wife over for dinner.I really enjoyed their visit. We had a good time. We watched a few tim hawkins music videos on utube. I especially liked the song called what not to say to your wife. I felt encouraged by them. It's been so long since I've actually cleaned up a place and made dinner for guests. They came around 930pm and left around 130am.that's 4 hours! Hopefully, I'll make some friends at this new church we r going to.
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2009.08.31 23.19
I wish I didn't have 2 work 2day. I have 2 get the house cleaned up finally because the pastor from the church we visited yesterday is coming 4 dinner 2morrow
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2009.08.06 16.19
I woke up this morning and talked to Mark Nyegaard. He was wondering if he should call/visit mom. After talking to him for a little bit I stood up and noticed there was something wrong with my ear. I called work and went to the urgent care. I guess I have an ear infection of some sort and they told me I shouldn't work tonight because sometimes this kind of ear infection causes dizziness and loss of balance. I'm kind of glad I don't have to work but also feel bad that someone has to work a double because of me, or come in on their day off, or cna's have more residents, etc.
Mood:  crappy
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2006.06.28 16.15
All is well for Natasha. I've spent the weekend on until today in Corvallis with Tim and his friends. I'm job hunting here and already have a place lined up to move into if I find a job. I'm really looking forward to going up to WA to meet Tim and all of his family for a 4th of July family get together. It's amazing how well everything is going. God brought the most awesome guy into my life. The other day he bought me a small rose type bush and gave me a really sweet card (even though I know he has very little money to do such things with). It was rather fun the other day telling a few of his friends how we hooked up and got together. Monday was the one week anniversary of when we "officially" started dating each other. I drove us into Eugene from Corvallis the other night and the two of us tried stopping by to see mom and then visited with grandpa Frank for a few minutes. He seemed happy that we had hooked up since the time before when we'd visited him. I believe it was the first time I actually called him grandpa out loud. Anyway's, that's some of what's going on..
natasha teevens
Mood:  content
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2006.06.20 13.15
So, last night was probably one of the best nights of my life. I'm mostly updating just to let people know that Natasha Teevens is no longer single. I now officially have a boyfriend...
Mood:  ecstatic
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2006.06.12 15.32
So, I am not certain where my relationship with "" will go. I've really enjoyed hanging out with him the last three weekends. He seems as though part of him wants a relationship and another part of him would like to remain single. I do think he likes me, from a few comments his friends have made and whatnot.
The other night I ended up spending the night at a few of his friends house because he became to exhausted to drive me home after we had gone to the coast and then to Corvalis. In the morning when I met a friend of his I introduced myself and she asked how I knew Michelle (her roommate who had said I could spend the night) and I said through Tim and what not and she said "Oh, your THE Natasha". That made me smile. It seems his friends really like me. Last weekend after I went hiking with him and a few of his friends, his friend whispered in my ear before he left "Go for him". The other day he came over and we finished watching a movie about persecution in China and my godmom asked if he wanted to stay for a barbeque. So my godfamily got to meet him and they all love him. My godniece was like "he's a hook, line, and sinker" and "he's a keeper", "I really like him" throughout the night.
So, that's the short version...
Natasha
Mood:  but good
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2006.04.10 17.38
q and a about me
1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? 6:15 to put work clothes in dryer.
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? Diamonds, because they sparkle, though anything that sparkles is fine.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? I watch many movies, but last I remember is Memories of a Geisha.
4. FAVORITE TV SHOW? I'm trying not to watch to much t.v. lately but I like the "Biggest Losers"
5. WHAT DID YOU HAVE FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING? pancakes from work.
6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? Aurelia
7. FAVORITE CUISINE? Chinese
8. WHAT FOODS DO YOU DISLIKE? Sweet Potatoes! ech
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CHIP FLAVOR? Ruffles Cheddar
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD AT THE MOMENT? Point of Grace Life, Love and other Mysteries
11. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE?I can't drive, but I'm going to get a permit in the next few days
12. FAVORITE SANDWICH? Spicy Chicken from work with light mayo and extra tomato.
13. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? fakeness
14. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU LOVE MOST? loyalty
15. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING? orange shirt
16. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? on vacation, L.A.
17. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BATHROOM? cream
18. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? No Boundaries
19. TO WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE? China
20. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? I can't remember.
21. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? Figure Skating
22. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? ?
23. WHO DO YOU LEAST EXPECT TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
nobody
24. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST? nobody
25. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? July 10, 1985
26. ARE YOU A MORNING PERSON OR A NIGHT PERSON? Afternoon
27. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 9 1/2
28. PETS: one cat, several fish (my godmoms though, I'd want a golden retriever and a grey cat)
29. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? Nothing to exciting going on with me.
30 WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? A children's librarian
31. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? inbetween!
32. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? Butterfinger, even though I used to hate em, oh and also I love Charlston Chew, and sour apple.
33. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Roses Definitely
34. WHAT DATE ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? My 21st b-day, July 10th or May when I get to see my friends in CO hopefully.
35. WHERE IS THE FURTHEST YOU HAVE EVER BEEN FROM HOME? Mexico
36. A SMALL THING YOU REALLY ENJOY? ballroom dancing
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2006.04.05 00.56
well, today I actually feel as though I got something done, not that I never feel like I get anything done. I came into Eugene and studied for my food handlers test which I know I had to have done soon to continue working at Mcdonald's and also I picked up a birth certificate. I'm wanting to take my permit test here in the next few days. Eventually, I'll get my passport and will end up on my way to China. Other then this I went to the library to see if my old friend Jeff who is a librarian there was around. He was there and we chatted for a while, which was very good. The sad thing was that when I was heading into the library I saw my mom heading out of it. She did not see me. She looked the saddest and tiredest person I've ever seen. She had huge purple lines and bags under her eyes and her body drooped of fatigue. I watched as she went out the doors and turned to the right and went to the trashcan and pulled out an Arby's bag and started eating the leftover sandwhich someone hadn't eaten. I almost wanted to say something, but whenever her see her I'm afraid, of what I'm not sure...of her yelling at me or not yelling at me...attacking or not. I want her to be sane or at least more so. I wish to express how much I love her and have her return it in some way shape or form. I do love her. I went to Shari's and had a few pancakes and a shake and headed to Symantec to meet with Deefy then we came home and watched The Fog (it confirmed that Tom Welling is positively one of the worst actors in the world, or at least a very horrible one), then I watched Just Like Heaven which was a very sweet movie, and The Skeleton Key which was a rather good horror movie with some what of a surprise ending...you'll have to watch it to see what I mean. So that is my day in a nutshell...
Natasha Teevens
Mood:  indescribable
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2005.12.09 12.12
I just took my Chinese oral and I got a 68%. My midterm oral I got a 45% on, so I have gone up. I'll probably get a B in the class.
natasha teevens
Mood:  happy
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2005.12.09 12.12
harry potter hous
Squib
You scored 4% Slytherin, 44% Ravenclaw, 28% Gryffindor, and 40% Hufflepuff! |
| Are you sure that you belong at Hogwarts? You show no defined personal characteristics and therefore no house preference. Perhaps you should seriously consider a lucrative career in dentistry or tax preparation -- or allow the Sorting Hat to redetermine your place at a later date. |
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My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 0% on Slytherin |
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You scored higher than 79% on Ravenclaw |
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You scored higher than 13% on Gryffindor |
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You scored higher than 80% on Hufflepuff |
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2005.11.14 07.35
hey,new info
hey everyone-
Most of you probably already know, but I won't be here next semester. I've been struggling with financial problems and owe the school close to $3000 for this semester alone not including school loans and what not. I couldn't register for classes or anything because of this. Because of this and the feeling that God is calling me back to Oregon I'm going to be heading back on December 16th which is the last day of finals here.
I will be taking at least one semester off of college and may not return at worse. I still plan on going to China to teach or become a missionary. I'll be living with my godmother for a month or two until I can save up enough money from whatever job I get, to get my own apartment. I'll work on paying off the money I've already got to pay off now and my loans before I head back to L.C.C or OSU or much of anywhere....
love
Natasha Teevens
Mood: content
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2005.10.10 12.12
1) Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought:
most likely...chips, smoothie, candie, and I don't know what else I've bought recently, I'm trying not to spend much money...
2)Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink:
water
tea
orange mango juice
root beer
3)When Is The Last Time You Cried?:
yesterday, I think...
4)What's In Your CD Player right now?
praise and worshipe cd
5)What's Under Your Bed?:
boxes with random stuff in it (coats, etc.)
6)What Time Did You Wake Up Today:
I actually got out of bed around 9:30ish
7)Current Hair?:
brown/redish
8)Current Clothes?:
black pants, long sleeve blue shirt
9)Current Desktop Picture:
green grass,blue sky
10)Current Worry?:
Money problems
11)Current Hate?:
can't think of any...though I don't like ants much
12)Favorite Place To Be? :
the ocean, with friends
13)Least Favorite Place? :
Eugene, Oregon
14) ???????
16)How Tall Are You? :
5"8
17)Favorite random quote?:
the cheese is rather stinky, but my socks are worse.
18)One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To?
My friend from middle school named Dines.
19)Favorite weekend?
watching movies with friends/family
20)Where Would You Like To Go?
China
21)Where do you want to live when you get married?
China
22)Favorite food?
Mashed Potato and gravy (the good kind)
23)Color of most clothes you own?
green
24)Number of pillows you sleep with?
One.
25)What do you wear when you go to sleep?
pajama's
26)What were you doing 12AM last night?
hanging out with my friend with whom's birthday it was at IHOP, studying Chinese.
27) If you could have anything you wanted for a pet, what would you have?
a rarely barking golden retriever
28)What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years?
I'll be in China maybe teaching English/missionary work
30)Are you paranoid?:
often, but I try to hide it:)
31)Do you burn or tan?:
I burn if I spend long in the sun, but I don't like doing so and I don't believe in "tanning"
32)What is the brand of your wallet/purse:
day one
33)First piercing/tattoo?:
earrings
34)First enemy?
Satan, though there is a girl I wouldn't call an enemy, but in elementary school I didn't like named Christine Thorpe Turke
35)Last person you yelled at?
Will Strong
36)Last crush?
My police officer friend named Matthew.
37)Last thing you ate?
pancakes
38)Last traumatizing event?
can't remember, to many to count :)
39)Fav animal?
octopus
Mood: tired
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2005.07.28 01.49
| You Should Learn Chinese | 
Surprised? You shouldn't be - Chinese is perfect for an ambitious person like you.
You're a natural entrepreneur, and a billion people are waiting to do business with you! |
| Your Expression Number is 1 | You have the skills to be a top executive or businessperson.
But first you must develop your natural capacity to be a good leader.
You are truly original - with a creative approach to life and a very sharp mind.
You reach for the sky, and you have the potential to reach it.
Assertive and straight forward, you have little need for supervision.
You are self-confident, self-reliant, and courageous in your convictions.
While you sometimes fear loneliness, you prefer to be left alone.
A bit self centered, you may be hard to life with at times.
You also have a strong dominant streak - which can push others away at times. |
What Your Dreams Mean... |
Your dreams seem to show that you're a bit disturbed... but nothing serious.
You may have a problem you're trying to work out in your sleep.
Your dreams indicate that you have very conflicted feelings.
You have a very vivid imagination and a rich creative mind.
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Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male |
Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female
You are both sensitive and savvy
Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed
But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve |
You Are the Individualist
4
You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself.
You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable.
You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt.
Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel
| How You Life Your Life | 
You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside.
You are always tactful and diplomatic. You let people down gently.
You tend to have one best friend you hang with, as opposed to many aquaintences.
You have one big dream in your life, and you never lose sight of it. |
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2005.07.28 01.40
The Keys to Your Heart
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You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free. |
In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. |
You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change. |
You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance. |
Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. |
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. |
You think of marriage pessimistically. You don't think happy marriages exist anymore. |
In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. |
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2005.07.24 04.17
feelings
sometimes life seems so upside down. There is so much I want to do and yet I'm to lazy to do it, or something like that. I've been reading book after book perhaps trying to get away from this world. I feel guilty, because I don't feel like I'm doing what I should be doing, or what part of me wants to do. As I was here at work dancing around to "lovefool" by the Cardiggans without my shoes on, it made me think how much I'm not only starting to look like mom, but my mannerisms. I almost felt like what I figured mom felt like as she danced around the house. It feels like something is missing in my life...or someone especially as I'm listening to "I got you babe" by sonny and cher now.Sometimes I long for how things used to be, at least some things. Why does it seem like every song I like and hear on lauchcast right now makes me sad and long for. Is it to much to ask for a nice godly relationship with someone. I know that God has something in store for me in the future, but I don't know how I'm going to reach that place with how things seem to be going now. I know I'm fortunate and that I have friends and family that care about me...
Also soon I have to go and fill up the ice chest for work and I hate doing that here, because theres this creepy looking chef dude. Every time I walk by him I get the feeling I used to when David locked me in the basement. It seems like he's watching me and he's going to come down and clobber me with his little cooking pan. I just want to get out of there whenever I'm in there, and then I feel stupid looking back to see if he's following me and for letting some inanamate object scare me so much.
love madeline
Mood:  gloomy
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2005.06.29 05.19
life
hey-
How goes it? I'm struggling to make it through work. I'm so tired. I've been getting an average of 3-4 hours of sleep per day. I looked over the counter when I heard a door open to the hall I'm working at. My frien Lon came in with a friend. They're here for C2EA (campaign to end aids). They are both homosexual. I gave Lon a hug and then Lon's friend Josh started crying and for several hours people tried comforting him, since he had just during the night lost his aunt to HIV aids. He was best friends with his aunt. He was trying to encourage people from the c2ea to be themselves, realize that they don't live forever, to get tested and fight against aids. I hugged him and tried supporting him as much as I could.
gimligirl
Mood:  contemplative
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2005.06.04 00.41
I've been tagged by David...
I didn't really read what I'm supposed to write about but heres my list of whatever...
1. Hanging out with my EQ friends
2. Reading my Bible
3. Hanging out with my Japanese friends.
4. Reading (which now I actually have time to do)
5. Playing handhold yahtzee.
6. Watching movies (which I haven't done to much of lately).
7. Thinking about the future (getting married...not that I have any prospects).
8. Going to Goodwill (and other stores of the sort...cheap and good).
9. Not shopping...
10. Praying
not to hard though
Mood:  working
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2005.04.27 19.20
howdy
It's snowing! and it's almost May!
gimligirl
Mood:  lethargic
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gimligirl's journal
distressed
